It's Okay
by guraak
Summary: Inspired by the song "It's Okay", by Land of Talk. "This ache has been dormant for the most time until recently, and now it's awake and... It hurts. Too much." Demi's POV. Sequel to "She is Love". Demi/Selena


**A/N**: I don't own anything. This is a sequel to my previous story, "She is Love", so please read it before reading this one. The events here are set a while after the end of the first story and the girls are living together.

This story contains lyrics of the song "It's Okay", by Land of Talk. If you have the chance, please listen to it. Also, if you like this story, please review :). Thank you.

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**It's Okay**

I wake up for the millionth time tonight, slowly opening my eyes and feeling the warmth of her presence beside me. I try my best not to wake her and, carefully sitting up, I look at the window and notice the rain. The image I see is so peaceful that I just have to sit by the desk and admire it for a while. Then, a familiar ache invades my heart, which has been constantly happening for the past month now. This ache has been dormant for the most time until recently, and now it's awake and... It hurts. Too much. I suddenly catch myself looking down, observing the scars on my arms and wrists. _It's okay, I don't even cry_. I haven't been able for a while now. I wonder if that's a good thing.

"Demi?"

I turn to her and see her getting up, her eyes firmly looking at me. I don't move, just manage to warmly answer with her name.

"Selena."

"Hey. What are you thinking about?" she asks, approaching me and looking at me all the time.

"..._All I think about is a memory_, no big deal." I say, at least hoping it was true.

"Tell me."

I hesitate a little, but then manage to say "..._In that dream when you kissed my arm_,", looking through the window. I hope that _as I look away, don't hear a word I say_, and whisper "I wonder what would happen if-".

"That wasn't a dream and you know it." she interrupts me and I look at her, seeing the hurt in her face. I have never said this to her, but I wish that day was a dream, so that a beautiful angel like her would never get involved in such a mess like this. A mess like me.

Then, she hugs me, holding me tight against her, and asks "Sorry, what were you going to say?". I don't know how she even managed to hear my whisper. I don't answer, and we stay like that for a while: Selena holding me, like she always does. Suddenly, I catch a glimpse of light and observe a car moving on the street, illuminating its way.

"Demi?" she insists.

"Do you ever wonder what happens after you die, Sel?"

"H-Huh?" she pushes me gently and looks into my eyes. She looks scared. "Why-"

"I just hope _that maybe when I die_, _I get to be a car_..." I say, looking through the window again. "..._Driving in the night_, _lighting up the dark_..."

"Hey... Why-why are you thinking about this?" she sits in front of me and takes my hand on hers. I don't say anything for a long time, and the next thing I know is that she's crying, silently sniffing as she looks at me.

"I thought... You were so happy-I thought I made you happy..." I hear, and suddenly curse myself for ever making her doubt such thing. It's not her fault that I just don't deserve to be happy, that I just can't be happy for long, that happiness just slips from me.

"Selena, you're... You're everything to me. Something in you, even _something in your voice_ _sparks a little hope_..." I say, cupping her cheek and wiping a tear away. It's not even close to what she deserves to hear, and I add "Every day, when I feel like I don't belong, _I'll wait up for that noise_, and _your voice becomes my home_..."

"Demi... Please tell me what's wrong..." she leans against my touch after she puts one of her hands on mine, reassuring. She doesn't stop crying, and I can't help but think what a monster I am for making her feel this way for almost all the time now.

"I feel-I feel like I have a _long way round_, but somehow I _don't care what I find_..." I say, more to myself than to her. It's funny the way I always sound like an animal, one that can't be understood. Not quite.

I glance a little more at the rain and then look at her again. "You know, _a little thunder's good_, and I-_I thought maybe you would_..." I say, and she's crying hard now, sobbing and taking long intakes of air in her lungs. Her beautiful, perfect lungs.

The ache in my heart increases, crushing it. Selena looks like she can't say anything and I don't blame her. What could she possibly say? As for me, all I can do is curse myself again and try to ease her pain. But as much as I try not to, I always seem to hurt her.

"_But it's okay_, _we all feel left out_..." I say as I caress her cheek. She's so beautiful. "Though with me, I just-I feel like I'm not supposed to be here anymore."

"P-Please don't say that..." her voice cracks, interrupting me.

"But I am, and _sometimes growing up_..." I continue.

"S-Stop it-"

"..._It can get you down_..."

"I love you!" she says firmly and I almost think she's angry, but then she takes me in her arms again. Isn't it heartbreaking that while she loves me, all I can do is hurt her?

"Sel, I... I hope _I give you something that no one's gonna give you_..." I push her softly and wipe her tears again, taking her in my arms this time. "It's all yours, _my sleepin' skin and my heart deep down in you_, I... I love you too."

Then, I feel her kissing the scars on my arms. Again. I guess I'll never manage to make this a dream, at all. I suddenly start thinking about all the times she's begged me to stop hurting myself, but I never could. I wanted to stop, I said I would, I promised I would, but never did. My line of thoughts brings me to her again, her being the reason as why I'm still here, alive. I lift her chin and look into her eyes, thinking _I'll never tell you_, _but you're my little scar_. One that I want to be with me forever, that is.

"Demi..."

"I'm sorry, Selena." I say, looking away again. The rain is particularly hypnotizing tonight.

"About what?" she says, sniffing shortly after. The ache in my heart increases again.

"About everything. I'm... I'm sorry for being this way, I-"

"There's nothing to be sorry about-" I hear her try. Of course there is.

"I-I don't want to do this to you anymore, but I..." I say as I look at my arms, with these horrible shredded pieces of skin. "...I can't stop, I can't do this..." I mumble and then I look at her and wonder how many tears she has left, as she cries again.

"T-Then please, let me try to-" she reaches for my hand. I take hers instead.

"Don't, Sel... This is not your burden to bear, and I've-I've been this mess for such a long time..."

"Dem, You're not a mess..." she says, leaning closer to me.

"I am, but... I won't be for much longer."

I notice her eyes widen and hear she saying "W-What?", and if she looked scared before, now she looks terrified. "D-Demi, please don't..." her breath is erratic as she takes me in her arms again, just like she always does. Especially tonight.

_Goodbyes are hard and they're hard and they're hard_...

"I need help." I say, and after she takes her time to absorb the words, she pushes me so that she can look into my eyes. I notice her expression changing again, but this time, I see a relieved and hopeful one.

I can swear I see a little smile on her face before she hugs me again, and I can't help but think that I want to make her smile more often. Someday, I hope I'll be able to. I bury my face on her neck and we stay like this for several minutes. I feel like I can sleep again and almost do so before I hear her whisper in my ear "Then, we'll get you help.".

I know it's a good thing when I feel my eyes watering and a tear running down on my face.


End file.
